On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
