I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Randomize