Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Drunk is not a location!
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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