Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
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