I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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