hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Randomize
