I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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