Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
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