I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize