Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
