Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
