last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
