I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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