haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
