I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
