hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
