i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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