It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
