if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize
