I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
