Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize