when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
There's always time for handjobs
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
