Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
