Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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