Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
