My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I need a burrito and a hug.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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