I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize