i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
