i drank out of a bidet.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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