just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
