i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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