I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
BRING THE BAGELS
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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