My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Randomize
