woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
You are the jesus of drinking
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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