A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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