we have officially mastered the walk of shame
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
