i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
