dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
