just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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