You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
