She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
i need some magic done to my vagina
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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