Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
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