my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
