If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
