can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
