You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
