i just wanna soil my oats bro
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
