then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize