Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
