Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
