Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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