I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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