Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Randomize
