So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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