he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
