This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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